I Binged

"I already look fat so I might as well just eat like shit the rest of the day"

"I just will eat better tomorrow"

"I will restrict all day then I can eat a lot for dinner'

"I won't make this a binge, it will just be my cheat meal"

"I already ate bad all of today so I might as well keep eating bad"

A few of the thoughts I told myself all day to try and justify my actions. None of them worked.

I woke up bloated and puffy, my bathing suit bottoms felt extra tight, my skin was breaking out and all around I was having a negative body image day. I filled my head with negative thoughts and told myself "well since I am already bloated I might as well eat like shit today." I was also really upset about some family things and the realization of school restarting. I felt stressed, upset and overwhelmed. So I found myself resorting to negative habits.

*I feel so guilty writing this and I feel like an absolute hypocrite.* However, this is what happened and I can't run away from my problems. I need to face them.

Anyways, my family and I went out to dinner and the same sort of cycle happened as it used to. I ordered my dinner and did not stop when I was full, in fact I overate entirely. In my mind I remember thinking "I already look bad and I already ate some shitty stuff earlier so I might as well just eat shitty for all of dinner too." Then when I got back to the beach house, I found myself in my room stuffing my face with candy/chocolate and other sweets.

I look back now and think "why in the world did I do that?"

But in that moment I didn't want to feel or think about anything so I numbed myself with food. I told myself "I might as well eat whatever I want because Ill just eat super healthy when I get back home." I also told myself "maybe if I eat some chocolate I will feel better."

I tried to find ways to justify my actions or make it seem like I deserved to have the binge. I remember sitting on the floor mid way through a bag of mixed candies when I stated sobbing. I was a complete mess. In that moment I stopped eating and asked myself "what will this do?" "how will eating all of this food change anything or make anything better?"

In my mind I knew it wouldn't. Food would not solve my bad body image. Food would not solve my family issues and food certainly would not calm my nerves about nursing school. So I stopped. I put the sweets away, brushed my teeth and took out my journal.

When I used to have weekly binges I would write in a journal after most of them. The journal helped a lot because days later I would look back at the entries and see how awful I felt during the binges. I would write down why I binged, the feelings I had during the binge and later as I started to recover from them I wrote down ways to stop. The journal helped me a lot, so I resorted to it when I binged this past Friday night. I wrote down why I binged, what triggered my binge and how I can move forward. I literally call it my "Binge Book." lol.

So..am I upset this happened? yes of course. However, I am only human and I make mistakes. There's no point to dwell on what happened...Therefore, my plan is to move forward and for next time I plan to:

Identify my triggers early on during the day

journal how I am feeling BEFORE any binge happens

stay POSITIVE!!! NO NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

ask myself if binging will really solve how I am feeling in that moment

Talk to someone!!!!

Just remember...chances are you are NEVER alone when it comes to struggling with something like this. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help.I am always here to listen and offer advice.

Keep on fighting and take one day at a time.

xoxo.