I Haven't Lifted Weights in 2 Months And Here's Why

I haven't been as vocal about this on my Instagram because I have taken a pretty big step back from all things fitness related. I began to justify negative behaviors with fitness related activities to make it seem that everything was normal. For example... it was okay that I binged on Friday because it would all just go to my ass. Or, it was okay that I ate 6 slices of pizza and starved the whole day for it because that was my cheat meal and I'd use the carbs for a great workout the following day. Or, it was okay that I spent 4 hours in the gym lifting weights because I needed to have the best abs and look great for pictures.

I wanted to believe that binging would make for a great workout the next day, I wanted to believe that all of the chocolate I ate would indeed go straight to my ass, I wanted to believe I wasn't struggling anymore. I used fitness as a way to shield my real feelings and struggles. And that's when I knew I needed to take a step back and just worry about ME. I had to step back from the pressure of trying to be successful in the fitness industry and rebuild a healthy relationship with fitness in general. I was not exercising or eating healthy for the right reasons. I especially was not lifting weights for the right reasons. So here is why I stopped:

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1. I was angry at my body. I started to use weight lifting as a way to change my body because I thought I was "ugly" and "fat." I also thought I didn't look fit enough to be considered credible in the fitness industry, which meant I had to lift more to look better. I eventually became obsessed and wouldn't leave the gym until I thought I worked hard enough or did as much as some of the people on Instagram...some nights I would stay for 3-4 hours.

2. I was trying to be someone I wasn't. I was trying really hard to fit in with the fitness industry. I wanted to make fancy workout videos and some days the only reason I went lifting was to make these stupid videos.

3. I became bored. Most days I didn't want to train back and bis or chest and tri's. However, I thought that in order to look a certain way I had to follow these schedules and do all of these exact exercises.

4. I kept comparing myself. Every time I went to lift weights I would always compare myself to the person next to me and how much he/she was lifting. If I saw another female lifting more than me I felt weak and fake. I felt fake because I had a whole Instagram account dedicated to fitness and I couldn't lift half as much as this other individual.

5. It was becoming something I dreaded. I would force myself to go because I wanted to have a bigger butt so I looked good in Gymshark leggings, because I binged the night before or because it was leg day and I already posted about going. I was NOT doing it for any of the right reasons. I began to dread going to to the gym...the gym itself became a very negative place.

I found myself becoming really anxious when entering the weight room. I was self conscious and all I could think about was how awful and weak I looked compared to everyone else. When I originally started lifting weights I never felt this way. I had a better relationship with my body and was eager to grow in strength and mental well being. However, after a while I felt defeated, especially after immersing myself into the fitness industry. I didn't feel good enough to be weight lifting..and that's when I knew I needed to take a step back and stop.

For the past few months I have found joy in biking/canoeing/running/hiking/being outdoors. I engage in these activities because they bring me pleasure and relieve stress. I do not engage in these activities in the hopes I grow a bigger butt or burn off a cheat meal. I do not feel the need to record myself doing these activities in the hopes of sparking some Instagram engagement. I engage in these activities not to change my body because I hate it, but to change my body because I love it and I want to take care of it.

Before you begin a weight lifting program make sure you're doing it for YOU!!!! List some reasons why you're doing it. If you're lifting weights in the hopes to get a big butt and look like people on Instagram..chances are you're going to be miserable.

So for now ill stick to doing what makes me happy...I could care LESS if I don't have abs or the muscles I had a few months ago. A healthy mindset is so much more important to me than a 6 pack of abs.

xoxo, Sarah