From Anorexia to BED (Binge Eating Disorder)

I think it can get confusing sometimes when I refer to my eating disorder because I have relapsed back and forth between 2 different ones for years. First off, Anorexia in simplest terms is "an obsession with food and losing weight," BED in simplest terms is "recurrent episodes of eating large amounts of food in one sitting." Obviously these are basic explanations and the ED's themselves are much more complicated than what words can explain. However, I want to share with all of you how these ED's are very much connected for me and how both voices (one for restricting and one for binging) are still present.

In 8th grade I developed Anorexia. Now, I didn't all of a sudden wake up and decide "okay today I think I'm going to have Anorexia..this should be fun." No. That's not how it works.

I really struggled with who I was in middle school. I didn't play sport or excel at anything in particular. I felt that I was the only person who wasn't good at something. So, I decided to be the best at losing weight. I wanted people to notice me, I wanted to fit in and be popular. I would set goal weights for myself and every time I reached that goal it wasn't good enough. I kept this mindset until my admission to Strong Hospital on October 16 2011 (around then...I'd have to find my hospital band for the exact date). I can talk about my experience of inpatient/outpatient in a separate post if anyone is interested (send me a message). Anyways, I was admitted inpatient for a while and floated back and forth from that to outpatient for months. For a good 2.3-3 years Anorexia had a very strong hold on me. Even after I reached a "healthy" weight all I wanted to do was restrict my intake and lose weight. However, junior year of high school I found myself doing the complete opposite.

I found myself stuffing my face and binging every night. I strongly believe I traded one means of control for another. If I couldn't restrict the whole day then I was going to find another way to control food. I also found a lot of comfort in these binges. I would eat and eat until the point I was so full I couldn't feel anything...I was numb. Restricting brought that same sort of feeling; complete displacement and isolation from the world.

It felt amazing to escape my responsibilities, stress and pressures and just sit alone in my room and binge. However, it became a methodical addiction. I began planning these binges, mapping out the restaurants I would go to, how much I would eat and what day/time I would begin them. They consumed my whole life.

I look back and I DO see a very strong connection with these 2 eating disorders. When I struggled with Anorexia I would plan how I'd restrict my intake, how I'd hide my food etc. I did the same thing with binges...everything was methodically planned daily and weekly regarding my food intake. Everything (for me) was a means of control.

I also think that due to starving my body for so many years binging felt SO good. It felt so good to eat and eat and not stop. As twisted as this sounds and I'm sorry if some people don't understand, but as much I loved not eating and restricting...all I wanted to do was eat. However, I never allowed myself because I couldn't dare see the number on the scale go up. But when I realized I could restrict all week and engage in a massive binge of food, I felt that I found the best of both worlds. I could still restrict but now feel "okay" about eating because it was only a 1 night thing and I "earned" it.

I can't sit here and tell you that I don't think like that anymore. I'd say I've come a LONG way in terms of restricting/binging but I still struggle. I hope this post cleared a little confusion up regarding my past. I reference a lot of my BED in my posts because it's something I currently struggle with. However, I believe a lot of these behaviors stemmed from my history of Anorexia. Both voices (one for restriction and one for binging) are still very present. But I am working on the voice of me, Sarah, to be stronger than both.

If you have any questions please comment below or personal message me. Hang in there and keep fighting.

xoxo, Sarah