The Friday Binge

It started with Fridays.

I would wake up with a plan. I refused all food the entire day. For the most part I didn’t eat that much during the whole week either because I wanted the Friday night binge to be the best. I looked forward to Fridays. I looked forward to them for the WRONG reasons. Not because the work week was over or because I could sleep in Saturday. I looked forward to them because I could silently stuff myself with food until I felt physically ill.

Sounds fun right?

You may be thinking to yourself “why the HELL would anyone ever do this?”

Good question. Why do we do it? Why do we restrict our intake all day to only consume thousands of calories at one point? To fill ourselves until we cannot fit in our clothes? Until we hate our bodies and hate our decisions we made on the foods we decided to consume?

So why do we do it?

I did it because I couldn’t control myself. I could not stop the cycle. I had no idea how to tell myself to stop. I had NO hunger cues, I had NO cues on when to stop. I didn’t feel full until I had finished my planned binge. There was this little voice in the back of my bed that would crawl through. No, not my ED voice that was present with my anorexia, but a more devious voice. This voice would tell me to EAT. This voice would tell me I deserved to eat LARGE amounts of voice because I had a shitty week, restricted all week, worked out for 4 hours, failed a test etc. This voice contradicted my previous ED voice, which only made things more confusing.

So, if this makes any sense, not only did I have my own voice but I had one for restriction and one for binging. Both voices were triggered at different points. The voice that encouraged restrictive behaviors returned when I had finished my binge. This voice made SURE I restricted the rest of the week. But Friday nights the voice that encouraged my binge was in control.

I remember literally sitting in the restaurant shaking and sweating in anticipation of stuffing myself. I remember eating the first real bite of food I had all day and wanting to cry because it tasted so good. Not only was my body starved but my mind was. I sat in silence, I never talked to the friends I would bring out to dinner. I focused on eating and not stopping.

I would reach a point in the restaurant where I became “satisfied” with the salty and crunchy food I ordered. P.S. that’s what I would do…order salty/crunchy food at the restaurant then continue my binge on sweet foods at home. After I felt “full” enough I would stop and wait a while. Sometimes I felt SO full I literally had to sit and wait at the restaurant for a little before I could leave and drive home.

Some nights I didn’t want to come home and continue with my binge. But the voice in my head kept saying “you’ve already eaten so bad so just continue, you’ll restrict all week again.” So obviously, I used countless excuses. I would continue to fill myself with food regardless of my feelings. I ate and ate to silence the feelings…which was the problem. I refused to feel my feelings.

I would only unravel my feelings when I completely stopped around 12 a.m. I would sit and look at the damage I did and cry. I am not sure why I would cry because for the most part I wanted that binge. I wanted to make myself feel sick…or did I?

After every binge, I would always say the same thing, “I will never do this again.”

I can’t even express how many times I would tell myself “I am done” or “I am going to eat healthy now” etc. But that required work…and I wasn’t willing to put in that work. I didn’t want to help my body or help my mind.

I eventually reached a breaking point with these binges. People started to notice, my parents. But I eventually noticed. I noticed that this WAS a problem. I had an ADDICTION. Yes, an ADDICTION.

But to fix the addiction? I HAD TO ADMIT IT. I was in denial for so long, but when I decided to feel the feelings and face the reality of it all I realized I major problem. I DID NOT recover from binges overnight. Oh my lord it took me months, but it all started with eating properly. Eating properly meant eating everyday and eating enough. I also had to re-train my mind about food in general.

FOOD IS FOOD. FOOD IS NOT GOOD FOOD IS NOT BAD.

FOOD is FOOD.

Some nights I would have to write this down 100 times to get it into my head.

But eventually the weekly Friday night binges became 2x a month to 1x a month to 1x every 2-3 months and then to none.

I now look forward to Fridays because it’s the end of the work week, I get to sleep in on Saturday and I get to eat…I get to eat the whole freaking day.

Stay strong and keep eating.

Xoxo, Sarah