Post Vacation Feels: The Good and Bad

So first off I want to start by saying I had an amazing vacation. Besides some of the negative thoughts and body image moments, I truly had an unbelievable time. So with that...I want to share some good aspects of this vacation.

1. I felt REALLY confident in a bikini (for most of the time). I frankly hate bathing suits and I normally revert to wearing high waisted ones to cover my body. However, for this trip I spent a little extra time finding bathing suits that fit me properly and were comfortable (if you're interested in all the bikini's I wore I can make a blog about them just lemme know in the comments).

2. I ate ice cream 3 nights in a ROW. Now before I get a physician up my butt saying that this is unhealthy to do I want to clarify I was not getting an extra large with 5 toppings in a waffle cone every night. One night I had froyo, the second and third nights I enjoyed 1-2 scoops. I did not feel guilty and I did not feel the need to binge after I ate it. I did not feel guilty because I wanted the ice cream and I wanted to be in that moment with everyone else enjoying their ice creams. I also didn't feel the need to binge after because I ate throughout the whole day. So by the time we went out for ice cream I was already pretty full and satisfied.

3. I conquered a fear food...PIZZA! Pizza is a HUGE fear food for me. I normally refuse pizza and restrict myself from it because I know I will binge on it. But NOT this time!!!!!!!! I enjoyed 1 full piece on the beach and after one piece i made myself some other snacks and played a game and moved on...no binging!

So overall I felt good and proud. However, every vacation is not perfect for me. I find myself getting better at traveling and living more in the moment but there were a few aspects I really struggled with on this trip.

1. Exercise. I was not able to workout for 5 days while I was on vacation. I did go for short walks and bike rides but for the most part I remained pretty sedentary. THIS WAS VERY HARD. I am so used to being very active throughout my day and working out that this was out of my norm. I really struggled with a lot of negative thoughts and worries. However, when i found myself overthinking or worrying too much about exercise I stopped and reminded myself I am on vacation and everything will be okay. The world will not end!

2. Negative body image. I tried really hard this trip to remain positive. I tried really hard to tune out other people talking about calories in food, their weight or clothing size. I tried really hard to be proud of my body. Well, it is truly a lot easier said than done. I am not going to lie...there were times I wanted to curl in a ball and throw a sweatshirt on...especially after eating a bigger meal. AND I most definitely did not want to put a bathing suit on. But guess what? I did. And want to know what else? No one else was critiquing my body the way I was. No one noticed that I was "bloated." No one thought I gained 4 pounds after eating a large meal. No one thought I looked fat in a bikini. I was the only one who thought those negative things about my body. And I was the only one who could change my mind on how I felt. No amount of compliments made me feel better. So I gave myself mini pep talks and instead of focusing on how I looked? I distracted myself with swimming, talking to someone, going for a walk or taking a nap.

I think traveling is difficult. However, I think traveling has helped me so much in my recovery. Traveling pushes me out of comfort zone and forces me to try and do new things. Traveling scares the shit out of my eating disorder because all of "his" control is gone. So that is EXACTLY why I will continue to travel. I will continue to face my fears, I will continue to get out of my comfort zone and I will continue to fight my eating disorder and let him know he is not the one in control.

xoxo,

Sarah